Tuesday, 13 December 2011

30. How to Become a Cat

You want to be a cat. This is great because I can help you achieve your goal. It is a good thing that you want to be a cat and not another type of animal as cats have simplistic DNA which is effective for our scientific procedure.

I accept the fact that most of you are without any scientific background (excluding “knowledge” acquired from watching CSI which actually makes you more stupid than before), so I will do my best to avoid complex terminology.

The first thing you need is a fresh blood sample from a cat. It must be used no later than thirty minutes after it was extracted from a cat. Needless to say, that cat needs to be alive at the time. Feel free to acquire  the blood in any way that is most convenient to you. Whether it is with a needle or by bashing the cat’s head open with a rock, I do not really care.

Also, make sure the cat you acquire the blood from is a cat you like, because that is what you are going to turn into. The last thing you want is to pick a scrawny ugly cat because it is the easiest one to put your hands on and then end up looking like that piece of shit.

Now, here is the complex part. You must read it very carefully and follow it to the letter.

The next thing you need to do is to make your DNA receptive to change.

Rinse your body carefully, scrubbing every inch, including your bottom. You must sparkle and shine.

Sit in a bath and fill it with nothing but ice cold water and the cat’s blood. The cold water will be unpleasant, but it does not matter. None of it is supposed to last long.

Pick up your Taser C2 and aim it at the surface of the water. As you activate it an electric jolt is going to shock your system . Do not worry. The water will short-circuit the taser before any harm is done (make sure to use the model I mentioned) and your DNA will open up for transformation. The cat DNA in the water will latch to your body and start rewriting your DNA.

Get out of the bath quickly and lie down in an empty room. The transformation into a cat could be quite shocking and violent.

Since a cat’s mass is much smaller than a person you will find yourself throwing up a lot of blood and even bits of flesh as your body will expel any excessive biological material that is no longer needed. Some of it might come out of your anus.

During the transformation just keep breathing and try to relax. Before you know it your human mind will devolve into a cat’s mind and the panic and fear will fade away naturally.

Suddenly none of your human worries will bother you ever again. You will be a free happy cat.

Congratulations!

Monday, 12 December 2011

29. Thinking of You

Laurie missed her dad so much that it hurt to breathe when she was thinking about him. It has been only four days since he died and it has finally started to sink in. She wanted him to be back more than anything in the world.

She was quite confused when she got her wish.

“Dad?” She said hesitantly. She expected to wake up from a dream or blink away the image of her father, but he remained.

“Hi honey.” He smiled at her.

His smile. Oh God, she thought she would never get to see it again, but there it was.

“Am I seeing things?” She slowly approached him, afraid to touch him and make him disappear. “Am I losing my mind?”

Laurie stopped right next to her father. She was close enough to smell his cologne.

“Well, you are obviously seeing things, as I am dead. I can’t comment about whether you are losing you mind or not because… Well, I am just a hallucination and even when I was alive I wasn’t a psychiatrist.”

Laurie laughed. The comment, bizarre as it was, comforted her. It was exactly the kind of thing her father would say.

“I don’t understand.” She mumbled, looking her father up and down.

“Well, the way I see it, you can see and talk to me because you know me so well. You can anticipate what I would say and how I would act so your brain creates this comforting hallucination of me.” He winked. “Again, what do I know, though, right? Just a hallucination.”

“You’re not a ghost then?”

“It’s your hallucination. You want to hallucinate me into a ghost?” He laughed again.

Dad and his stupid sense of humor.

“I don’t care.” Laurie said. “I am just so happy to see you again. I miss you so much.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t get to say goodbye to you, that I love you…”

“You didn’t have to. It would have been nice, but you didn’t have to. You showed me you loved me every single day.”

Laurie choked a bit. She was moved. “Oh, daddy. You don’t know how much it means to me to hear you say that.”

“True.” Her father raised his left eyebrow. “On the other hand I am your hallucination so you might be projecting what you want to hear to make up for your crippling guilt.”

Laurie gaped at her dad. She was mortified.

“I… I…” She could not find the words.

“Oh, I am just messing with you.” Her father laughed and gave Laurie a friendly jab to the arm. Not quite, not really touching.

It was him. It was exactly the same terrible sense of humor and heart melting smile.

“This is so amazing, but I can’t get too excited.” She said. “I know you’re not real. You are just…”

Screw it. She was going to hug him. Laurie spread her hands open and rushed at her dad.

She broke her nose running into the wall.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

28. Bored

Yolanda was as bored as she ever was.

She was lying down for what felt like forever. It was not forever, obviously. She would not still have her human body if eternity has passed. Her body would be eaten by parasites or simply rot away and serve to nourish other organisms.

Also endless time cannot be quantified and Yolanda could remember everything that happened to her, more or less. She has not lost count of the days. Not yet at least. She was lying down like this for twenty two days according to her count. She might have been off by a day or two, but no more than that.

She could not move her arms. She could not move anything. Just as well nothing was itching. She was not entirely sure if her eyes were open or close, but regardless she could not see anything. She was either in a very dark place, or maybe she had something on her face to cover her eyes.

Even though Yolanda could remember how long she was lying down, she had no idea why. She could not move anything or see anything, yet at the same time it did not worry her. She could not care less. She was bored and that did get to her. If only she could watch television she would have been happy, even if she was still paralyzed. At least get to listen to music. Anything.

But the silence and darkness did not go anywhere. Yolanda was left alone with her thoughts.

She has spent the last three weeks or so trying to remember what happened. Slowly she has unearthed a bit more information each day, like an archeologist digging and sifting carefully through buried treasure. Having nothing better to do, she resumed that activity.

The last thing she remembered was driving to work. She remembered an accident. Swerving out of the way or a car that drifted into her lane, right into the opposite lane and into the path of an eighteen wheeler.

Surely she was in a very bad accident and now she was lying in a hospital in a coma.

Maybe her sister Debbie and her husband Mark were right now by her bedside, talking to her and praying for her to wake up. Yolanda tried to listen hard for any voices. If not her loved ones then maybe any other hospital ambiance noise her comatose body might hear.

There was no need to listen carefully in this devastating silence. There really was nothing. Maybe she was still too deep inside her coma and had to try her very best to get out of it. It is all about willpower after all.

She was lucky to even be alive after a head on collision with an eighteen wheeler.

Or did she? Can anyone survive such a thing?

She suddenly remembered her car being squashed by the massive truck.

Then she remembered the hospital.

No, not a hospital.

A morgue.

She was dead and buried.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

27. Three Hours

Only three hours to go.

Mickey used to be very good about posting stories on Exactly500; doing it at lunchtime. Some days he would even write more than one story, building up a stock of stories for rainy days. Things looked quite good.

Then the rainy days arrived and the spare stories were used. Then he started submitting stories later and later.

Now it was nine in the evening. In three hours his time will run out and after only twenty six stories Mickey’s streak would end. He wondered how long he could last writing one story a day, but he genuinely did not think it will all end so soon.

Just write some nonsense. Blah blah blah.

Mickey ignored the voice in his head. No. He is not going to just write a random selection of words. This was not what Exactly500 was about. It was about…

What was it about, actually?

The idea to write a story a day crossed Mickey’s mind almost a month ago and before he knew it he actually had a website for the concept. Not just a mere blog, but at an actual website with a purchased domain. What did he hope to accomplish?

No one was reading his stories. At first, a few people did, especially his husband. But as the days gone by the novelty wore off and according to his web statistics counter, with the exception of random visits from Google, Mickey was his own lone visitor.

It did not matter. Exactly500 was about Mickey practicing his writing. It did not matter if some of the stories were crap. In fact, that was the whole point. Just write and work the crap out of his system.
Maybe you should write about this? About trying to come up with something to say?

Mickey snorted. What an annoying idea. Might as well pull the plug on this ridiculous concept and get it over with. It was bad enough that three consecutive days featured a trilogy of stories starring a time traveling T-Rex with super powers. Mickey was really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

OK, assuming he did write about trying to come up with an idea for a story. How would that be an interesting story in itself? What is the conflict? How is it going to be resolved? Is there a twist ending? A punch line?

Mickey stared at the empty page.

No, just start writing. The one thing that is not supposed to happen with Exactly500 is the classic staring at a blank page moment. Just write, even if it is crap.

So Mickey started typing:

“Only three hours to go.”

Mickey’s fingers hovered over the keyboard. Was it really the best idea he could come up with? If so, great. But maybe, just maybe, he could still come up with something better.

A noise made Mickey look behind him.

A big man with an axe towered over him.

The man swung the axe, splitting Mickey’s head in two.

Friday, 9 December 2011

26. Gnaw Fear

Demonic possession?

This was the only explanation Rita could think of. There was no other reason why she would suddenly lose control of her mouth like that.

Up until her that moment, Rita was spending a fairly normal and quiet night in by herself. She was catching up on her recorded episodes of Desperate Housewives and eating a healthy dinner of popcorn, diet coke and Kitkat.

Suddenly she spat the popcorn she was chewing and her mouth started moving randomly. It was as if someone else remote controlled her chin and lips.

Rita looked down at her mouth in horror and saw her lips moving uncontrollably. Was she having a seizure or a stroke?

Rita got up and walked to the big mirror by the front door. At least it seemed as if she still had full control of the rest of her body. As she saw her mouth move in the mirror she wanted to say “what the hell?” but nothing came out. Her mouth was no longer hers.

Rita was startled when her mouth snapped, biting several times in quick succession. Then her mouth opened as wide as it could and remained open.

Rita’s eyes were bulging out in horror as she checked her bizarre reflection. What the hell was going on? She tried her very best to close her mouth by willing it to close with no success.

Slowly her tongue rose and started poking out of her mouth. In the mirror it looked as if it was floating, like a magic carpet. Rita was not doing it. She lost control over her tongue as well. She looked in the mirror at her wide open mouth and erect tongue.

The her mouth shut close. The pain was unbelievable and she could taste blood. She wanted to scream in pain, but nothing came out.

Then the mouth opened and snapped again. And again. After a few bites her tongue got severed and fell to the floor.

Blood was gushing out of Rita’s mouth. She put her hands to her mouth by instinct, to stop the bleeding, and her teeth bit deep into her right hand.

Screaming only inside her mind, Rita drew her hands away.

Now she seemed to have lost control of her head and neck. At least partially. Her head turned to the side and tried to bite her right shoulder. It was an awkward angle, but the teeth still managed to tear at the skin.

Rita wrestled with herself and fell to the floor on her back, gurgling her own blood. She was writhing all over the place, trying to keep her teeth from biting the rest of her body.

Then her mouth stopped moving.

For a second it seems as if it was over, whatever it was.

A second after Rita started to hope against hope, her teeth wrapped against her upper lip and tore at it.

Immediately the same happened with her lower lips.

Rita bled to death as her teeth kept snapping.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

25. Roger the T-Rex III

Earth as we know it is gone after an outbreak infection has transformed every living creature into a zombie monkey robot in the year 2040. After a hundred years the infection has miraculously ran its course, turning everyone back to normal.

Roger, the T-Rex from the past with super abilities, remembered that it was his fault the outbreak got this bad. He remembered the kid, his only friend in the world – a friend he has now eaten twice.

Roger was very sad and he moved into a small cabin on top of a very high mountain and hid there while the world was rebuilding itself from the disaster it has just recovered from.

One day there was a knock on the door. Roger put down his Kraft dinner and paused the episode of CSI Winnipeg he was watching. He was shocked to find the kid on the other side of the door.

“Seriously, what the hell?” Roger said.

“You didn’t know that one of my many super powers is to reconstitute myself, even after someone eats and poops me. It just took me a really long time. About seventy years.” The kid said coldly.

“I’m just so happy to see you!” Roger hugged the kid.

“Whatever!” The kid said and punched Roger in the face so hard that he flew twice around the world and landed on his head.

“why?” Roger asked. He was in great pain, both emotionally and physically.

“Eat me once, shame on you.” The kid looked dark and angry. “Eat me twice, shame on me.”

The kid and Roger were punching each other in the face as they rolled down the mountain.

“Dude! The first time I ate you you were already dead. The second time I was a zombie!”

“I don’t care!”

The two rolled all the way down and the kid kept beating on Roger and actually hurt him. Roger had no choice.

He broke the kid’s neck, ate him and pooped him. Again.

Roger felt miserable. Of all the terrible things that happened to him, this was the worst. He has lost the only friend he had. Unless…

Roger found the time travel gun on the floor next to the kid’s discarded blood soaked clothes. He used it to create a portal in time and space.

“See you buddy.” Roger said. “I’m going to fix everything.”

Roger leapt in and traveled back to 2040. He saw his past self and the kid fighting Torga, the original zombie monkey robot. This was the moment in time where everything went wrong.

Roger watched in horror as his past self was about to bite off Torga’s head, a move that will infect him and make him kill the kid.

“Noooo!” Future Roger shouted. “Fire breath! Use your fire breath!”

Past Roger looked at future Roger in confusion, but snapped out of it quickly and burnt Torga into a crisp.

Future Roger felt he was fading away. The future has been changed. He smiled and disappeared forever.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

24. Roger the T-Rex II

Roger was a happy T-Rex who lived happily in the past when one day a big explosion blew him away and knocked him out. When he woke up he saw a mysterious man standing over him with a big gun.

WOOOMP! A lazer beam came out of the gun and rattled Roger to his core. Suddenly he felt his body changing and his mind expanding.

“Now you are evolved enough to understand me.” Said the man. “It’s good to see you again, Roger.”
Roger was in shock as his memory of past events started coming back to him: falling into a time and space hole and right into a vat of acid that gave him super strength, ninja skills, super brain and the ability to talk. He remembered the homeless kid who was his friend. He remembered the government agents who tried to hunt him down and killed the kid, his only friend ever. He remembered falling into another time and space hole which robbed him of his new abilities and memories.

Now he had everything back.

“I remember everything.” Roger said. “Who are you?”

The man smiled. “You don’t recognize me?”

Roger’s jaw dropped when the man revealed himself to be the boy, his friend. Turns out the government agents took Roger’s poop after he ate and pooped the kid and experimented on it. They brought the kid back to life with amazing super powers. The boy escaped and was determined to find a way to go back and rescue his friend.

And now he did.

“You have to come back with me.” The boy said.

“Back where?” Roger asked.

“Back to the future.” The boy replied grimly. “We need you to save… Everything!”

The boy shot a special beam from his gun which created a big portal. The two jumped through and ended up back in the year 2040.

It turns out that the government was experimenting not only on the boy, but also on lots of different people and animals and their failed experiments were running amok. Most of the creations were fairly easy to deal with and take down, except for one.

Torga the zombie monkey robot has been running around biting and scratching any living creature in sight and turning them into zombie monkey robots too. Half the world has already been turned.

In a bunker under Disneyland scientists were working on a cure, but the bunker was now under concentrated attack led by the Torga himself. Roger and the kid had to stop him!

There was a huge fight over Disneyland with lots of explosions. Roger killed all the zombie monkey robots and only Torga was left standing. Going for a dramatic finish, Roger bit Torga’s head off.

“Nooo!” Shouted the kid dramatically.

It was too late. Roger has killed Torga, but he started to turn into a zombie monkey robot himself…

The kid was crying when zombie Roger ate him again. In only two days Roger zombie monkey robot infected the entire world.